Olympic Fever is Making Me Sick

As the Olympic ceremonies get underway in Beijing and some guy I've never heard of bears the torch for Canada, I believe it would be topical to weigh in and deliver my version of "Olympic Fever." This is far from the typically witnessed conditions of blubbering emotion, rampant nationalism and irrational interest in sporting events that have been otherwise ignored for the past 1,444 days since the last games. No, the symptoms I'm experiencing are more along the lines of those caused by the Ebola virus; vomiting, diarrhea, generalized malaise, and internal bleeding.

While the question that all of society has been pondering over the last several months has been "Should so-and-so boycott the Olympics in communist China?" I find myself dwelling on an entirely different postulation; Am I the only person in the world who doesn't give a shit about the Olympics or their perceived political ramifications?

According to the media, I'm supposed to gain some sort of self-worth if someone born in New Brunswick stands on the podium with a shiny medal for fencing. I guess nothing says "National Pride" more than diverting funds from the arts, social programs, and battling climate change towards athletics and beating the snot out of underprivileged banana republics that can't afford the same luxury. Go, Canada, bring home the gold! Let's show Honduras who the Man is!

Additionally, I fail to comprehend how people with otherwise no affinity for women's archery, team dressage or men's 68kg, 700-metre indoor bobsleigh jump (sure, that one's not real...but it should be) can suddenly become captivated by the insufferably boring minutiae of these and other "sports." Don't try to persuade me you're a huge fan of the women's 400 metre individual medley throughout the year because it's about as convincing as Mary-Kate's claim to have had no involvement in Heath Ledger's death. I know you did it, Mary-Kate, you fame-mongering whore.

My one goal for these Olympics is this: to watch even less of the coverage than I did for the last Olympics in Greece. Scoff if you must but this is far from an easy feat when you consider that the longest uninterrupted viewing session I partook of in 2004 was about 90 seconds of Bjork's warbling 412-minute "We are the World"-style opening musical number.

With that in mind I aim to view, over the course of the entire games, less than one minute of actual footage, be it the opening/closing ceremonies, inevitable and ceaseless terrorist attack speculation or sporting events both live and "highlights." This excludes, of course, anything that might be considered a "blooper," ranging from painfully face-planting hurdlers to errant javelins through the skull (one can only hope).

With media coverage as intense as it is and moronic general populace banter at an all-time high, this will prove to be an extremely difficult undertaking. I feel I'm up to the challenge and, accordingly, have a few projects I'm willing to pursue as exciting alternatives to the tedium of the games. These include but are not limited to writing love poems to Glenn Beck, vacuuming the floor with my tongue, organizing my collection of self-bootlegged "Danger Bay" VHS tapes or dangling my scrotum inside a blender, hitting frappe and downing the resulting ball smoothie.

Wait, this just in, breaking news....Beijing is smoggy!! Enough already. You can glue your eyeballs to your Sony plasma screens for the next 15 days if you want. I'm going to hit the beach and bring home my own version of the bronze. I'm not even going to train.

Doucheflaggery

I am a Canadian citizen, and contentedly so. I've played ice hockey (albeit poorly), I listen to the Arcade Fire and I know that Stéphane Dion is not Céline's more politically active older brother. Sure, our draconian laws regarding the public consumption of alcohol could use a little Danish influence but that's a topic for another day. I'm happy to live where I do and feel fortunate to have been born where my rights as a human being are, for the most part, respected and upheld by our Constitution and the Canadian Charter of Rights and Freedoms.

Having gotten the necessary pro-Canada preamble out of the way, I'd say the most ubiquitously irritating trend I've encountered while abroad is the irredeemably insipid practice of sewing a Canadian flag on one's backpack. There is nary a country I've been to where I haven't run into at least a couple of obnoxious Canucks proudly sporting the maple leaf on their brand, spanking new MEC gear. Far from invoking patriotism, the sight of this garish display invariably triggers feelings of contempt and shame within me, prompting the internal question, "Oh, my god, are we really this lame?" Unfortunately, I know the answer and it's one I'm intent on changing.

Before I can do that, however, I must at least attempt to offer an explanation as to why this tacky phenomenon exists to begin with. One popular interpretation is that Canadian elementary school teachers, who work in environments where textbooks from the 1950's and 60's are not uncommon, are still perpetuating the myth that Canadians are somehow revered overseas. This perhaps hearkens back to our participation in both World Wars and the misperception that our involvement still invokes feelings of gratitude in the average...oh, let's say Belgian citizen. Young Canadians are frequently regaled with accounts of generosity and general benevolence being extended to flag-wearing backpackers. Although I have traveled to almost 40 countries, and spent a good year and a half of my life abroad, I have never experienced even the faintest change in a foreigner's demeanor or attitude towards me upon my having reluctantly identified myself as a Canadian. Guess what? Nobody cares.

I have noticed that the only people who are attracted to this beacon of the bland are fellow flag-sewing Canadians, yearning for a nibble of the familiar; hockey talk, general America(n)-bashing and Bryan Adams singalongs. Well, at least the chorus, thankfully no one ever seems to know any words to the verses. It has never occurred to me that the purpose of blowing your savings and hauling all your shit thousands of kilometres across the Earth might be to meet other Canadians. Couldn't I do that from the comfort of my local Tim Hortons? If so, would that require me to eat their excreble reconstituted "food" products?

"Timbits" aside, if these people are going to insist on subscribing to this lamentable practice, they should at least stop and objectively think about why they're doing it. Why is it that all Canadians feel this need to explicitly differentiate themselves from Americans? I believe that in many ways Canadians feel marginalized and inferior and that this absolute lack of identity oftentimes manifests itself as a self-righteous superiority complex, especially as it pertains to the States. The mere fact that I happened to be born on any particular piece of land does not make me better than those who, by sheer chance, were born a few hundred kilometres to the south. I frequently put forth this opinion in social settings and am invariably verbally assaulted by robotic Canadians who insist that they aren't better, just 'different'. Pause and consider the facts for a few minutes, are we really any different? If so, what separates us? Is this really apparent to people around the World?

I can say with resounding conviction that the vast majority of people I've encountered abroad have, unless they've actually been to Canada, a less-than-cursory knowledge of our belovedly bloated ice cube. I'm not talking about poor farmers living in the backwaters of Bangladesh either, most residents of generally accepted well-educated socieities have never heard of Stephen Harper (or Pierre Trudeau for that matter) and can't tell the difference between Michigan and Manitoba. It's time to face facts: Canada is just not relevant to 99.9% of the World.

It seems to me that, coming from a country that is so internationally and culturally inconsequential, the only way Canadians have found to identify themselves as unique is through pointing out the perceived differences between themselves our currently unpopular neighbours to the south. Is this nationalistic view, whereby one's nationality is the most important aspect of their identity, something we should be perpetuating? Certainly nothing could possibly be wrong with the development and encouragement of a deep-seeded national sense of superiority...*cough, cough, Germany, cough*.

No, the reality is that national pride is for desperate losers and only succeeds in accentuating the perceived differences that may or may not exist across arbitrary political boundaries. In my experience, it is peoples' shared similarities across borders that is both surprising and inspirational. These similarities should ideally be the emphasis of people's travel experience and interaction with locals and fellow travelers alike. Ultimately, people everywhere (including US citizens) want exactly the same things out of life; the best possible chance of success for their families through fair working conditions, good education and affordable food and shelter. How this is not evident to the flag-sporting Canadian traveler, especially now in the era of globalization is both frustrating and puzzling.

Ignoring the obvious ideological issues, does it not occur to these flag-toting jackasses that loudly announcing they are from another country (particularly a wealthy, polite and naive one) is more likely to result in their being the target of theft or far more nefarious schemes than it is reverence? Have any of them considered that blatantly looking like a tourist is quite possibly the worst way to ingratiate yourself to a nation much less experience a culture?

Ultimately, this practice needs to be stopped. These people are embarrassing themselves, they're embarrassing the country and, worst of all, they're embarrassing their fellow travelers. The truth is that residents of other countries are laughing at us, and are at a complete loss as to why we feel the need to proclaim our citizenship on our luggage. Canadians are about as exotic as white rice. We are not universally admired nor are we superior, in any way to the average American or citizen or that of any other country.

Canada is a fine place. There are pretty mountains, adorable baby seals and socialized medicine but let's just keep things in perspective. The time has come to break free of the fine threads that tie our souvenir-shop identities to our carry-on baggage. Take those flags off your backpacks, Canadians, and become a citizen of the World.