Even God Thinks Christian Music Sucks Nuts

"Dozens injured as floor collapses at Christian rock concert in Abbotsford" announced the front page of the Province website yesterday morning. Evidently, Friday night during a concert by "multiple Covenant Award(!?) winning Christian music group," Starfield, the floor gave way, sending about 70 people into the church basement and just a few feet closer to hell.

Although no one was killed, several of the tone-deaf, pasty-faced, virgins were rushed to hospital, tearily looking skywards and asking, "why, God, why?"

Well, the answer is pretty obvious. Clearly, even God thinks that Christian rock music is super lame. I've had a listen to some Starfield tracks, courtesy of their mascara and mullet-heavy website and I'd like to think, if there was a God, that in all his infinite wisdom he'd have way better taste than creepy lyrics such as "Precious lamb, our freedom's in your blood." What is it with Christians and infantile farm-animal metaphors anyway?

Sheep jokes aside, I can easily picture God on the night of the concert hanging out with some of his deity buddies, holding his hands over his ears and wincing in disgust: "Hey, Buddha, Krishna, come over here, check out this wrath! I am gonna smite these geeks something fierce. Zeppelin rules!!!"

One of the most interesting aspects of the Province's 'story' was the fact that a good 30% of the text was cut and paste from frantic posts on Starfield's Facebook page. It seems as if writing for the this bastion of hard-hitting news requires little more than the ability to right-click on social networking websites. This blatant affront to journalism would disappoint me if I wasn't already under the impression that there isn't a single person working at the Province with an I.Q. above 90.

The prevailing sentiment amongst the semi-literate faithful posters was that God was somehow inclined to watch over the victims and that the Province readership should "pray for them all."

Seriously? Are these people so truly and mindlessly deluded by their unsubstantiated faith that they fail to see the delicious irony in this 'tragedy'? Operating under the presupposition that God is omnipotent and therefore controls everything, he's the sonofabitch that brought the roof down to begin with. I think it would be, to say the least, pretty statistically unlikely that he'd be remotely interested in the welfare of casualties, much less be receptive to blubbering pleas for his mercy. Does the fact that this happened in a structure dedicated to his worship not even remotely illuminate the blatant truth...that there is no God, but if there was, he apparently prefers the Chili Peppers?

So there you have it...God favours those with taste and is not above taking out his anger at your shitty musical preferences by collapsing a church on your head. Additionally, as I may never get the opportunity again I'd like to point out that, if the name of your band even remotely conjures up comparisons to a laconic, lasagna-loving, comic strip tabby, you should probably think about changing your band name to something a little less gay. Like the Ball-Licking Fancy Pants.