Tipping: Maybe it IS Just a City in China After All

While chatting with a friend at the beach the other day, the topic of our conversation turned from the usual subject matter of "which member of the Full House cast turned out the hottest?" (my vote goes to Jodie Sweetin, while he's a Stamos man) to that of cab fare gratuities. A rather heated debate ensued and relations cooled to the point of approaching Russian/Georgian proportions. It seems my friend, let's call him "Matt" was chagrined at the perceived duplicitousness of his previous evenings' cab-driver. Throughout the course of the ride, the driver regaled Matt with some hard-luck story about how difficult his life was i.e he had five kids to feed, was deeply in debt and had fallen victim to the infamous kidney thief in Korea, etc. Boohoo.

Once the ride ended and Matt had handed over his cash, the cabbie inquired as to whether or not he could keep the change. Believing the entire story to be little more than an effort to coerce him out of his hard-earned toonies, Matt steadfastly refused, preferring to "round up" by means of leaving the cabbie with the coinage and taking any bills. I couldn't weasel an exact number out of him but I suspect the final remittance was somewhere South of $2.

I've always been under the impression that the appropriate amount to tip a cab driver is somewhere in the 10% ballpark with that percentage being raised substantially if "The Company" is picking up the tab. Matt argued that, unlike waitressing , there was no accepted social norm regarding cab-driver gratuities in Canada and that eschewing the tip entirely was perfectly within the realm of culturally acceptable behaviour. Rounding up, in his estimation, was entirely sufficient, if not generous. I warned him that while it was of little concern to me whether he chose to tip or not, he did run the risk of not only the driver but fellow passengers regarding him as a cheapass.

Needless to say this did not go over well but I am willing to admit I could be way off base here. It was pointed out to me that cab-driving economics are nebulous at best. Conversely, leaving 15% at a Canadian restaurant seems to be the accepted social norm, this money is given with the knowledge that the waitress is not earning more than the minimum-wage standard of $8 per hour. But how much does a driver make? What portion of the fare actually goes to him and to what degree is he on the hook for the maintenance, the rising cost of fuel and the physio and drug-therapies necessary following the requisite violent muggings? For all anybody knows, these guys are making thousands a night and buying up Faberge Eggs by the dozen. Shouldn't their wage be payment enough?

In all seriousness, although I've little concern that these men (they're always men) are starving, I'm by no means convinced that Robin Leach is going to be contacting them about their champagne wishes and caviar dreams anytime soon. I think most people are unaware that a cab license in Vancouver costs over $400,000, a rather daunting sum for young, urban professionals, let alone for someone that has likely recently immigrated from a developing nation. I believe these men rely on their tips just as a waitress does and provide an equally, if not more, valuable service.

Seriously, how much talent does it really take some bimbo at Earl's to bring a table full of college kids some jalapeno poppers and tepid jug of "Rickard's Red?" My interactions with serving staff are frequently monosyllabic and my yam fries generally have more charisma. Good cabbies, on the other hand, actually display modicums of driving skill and are more than happy to chat your ear off about cricket and the enthralling political situation in their country of origin. In fairness to the Earl's girls, drivers very rarely giggle, brush your shoulder lightly and say "Oh, you..."

So at this point, I really need to turn it over to the reader(s). I'm interested in your proverbial two cents on your cabbie-tipping tendencies. Am I the classic fool, forever destined to be parted from his money or magnanimous humanitarian, able to empathize with the cab-driving everyschlub? Let's settle this raging debate once and for all, and more importantly, let's help the "differently employed" (i.e me) win twenty bones from my friend.

Man from Del Monte: You're the Pits - Updated!

On Monday I received the following reply from "Linda" at Del Monte consumer affairs:

July 28, 2008
Dear R. Alexander,

Thank you for your e-mail.

While we wish we could be of help, Del Monte Foods does not distribute products in Canada. Del Monte Brand products sold in Canada are produced and distributed by a different company.

For Del Monte canned fruits and vegetables sold in Canada, the contact information is:

CanGro Foods
1-866-829-1132
www.cangrofoods.ca

I appreciate the opportunity to respond and hope this information is helpful.

Linda, Del Monte Foods Consumer Affairs
consumeraffairs@delmonte.com

Del Monte. Nourishing families. Enriching lives. Every Day. (Groan)

Needless to say I have forwarded my concerns to Cangro and patiently await their reply. You can read my original letter in full below:


The following is a verbatim reproduction of a letter I sent to the Del Monte Company regarding their "Very Cherry" fruit cocktail. Rest assured that any response from the Man from Del Monte or any of his representatives will be posted here as well.

Wednesday, July 23, 2008

Dear Señor or Señorita Del Monte,


I am writing to you in an effort to convey heartfelt regret and dissatisfaction with my recent purchase of your "Very Cherry" mixed fruit product. For myself, as I'm sure is the case with many of your customers, the highlight of any fruit cocktail is unquestionably the fluorescent red, hemispherical cherry morsels. These provide not only some visual diversity but a sweet taste and squishy texture that, while not resembling an actual cherry in any way, are undeniably delectable.

Thus try to imagine my disappointment when, upon opening the can, I found a paltry eight halve-cherries within. Without performing any actual measurement, I approximated the cherry portion of the entire can to constitute less than 2% of the overall mass. Devastating, to say the least.

Feeling this was likely an aberration, I decided to perform a test and returned to the supermarket to purchase cans of both "Very Cherry" and your regular fruit cocktail (in light syrup) to use as a control. The results were shocking! The can of ordinary fruit cocktail contained a mere four partial cherry pieces while the entire can of "Very Cherry" contained only nine. That's correct, nine bits, ranging in size from a half to a contemptible quarter cherry.

While I recognize that this constitutes a 225% increase in cherries over your regular fruit cocktail, I feel that a product that is advertised as being "Loaded with Cherries" should contain more than a token smattering. Dictionary.com provides the following definition for the term 'loaded': "To provide or fill nearly to overflowing." As a fairly obvious understatement, I would submit that this product falls precipitously short of meet that definition.

Accordingly, might I suggest "Nary Cherry" as a more suitably descriptive moniker for this item? In my opinion, this constitutes nothing more than a blatantly deliberate attempt to mislead the trusting but gullible public into forking over their hard-earned dollars for an inferior product. Curse you, Del Monte, for not only your lack of conviction, but compassion for the cherry-starved everyman.

I've noticed that in your most recent annual report that your company shows net income for the 2007 fiscal year of $112.6 million USD. Would it be too much to ask you to plough even a fraction of that prodigious profit into cherry production and harvesting? Failing this, would it be too much to ask you to provide me with several cans filled exclusively with cherries so that I may add them at my own discretion to your substandard fruit cocktail in the future? Surely this request is within the means of a multi-billion dollar corporation such as yours.

As I find it highly doubtful that either one of my suggestions will be regarded with any seriousness, I hereby pledge my allegiance to the good people at Dole until such time that the cherry content of your "Very Cherry" fruit cocktail lives up to its name. I will encourage my friends and all fellow fruit cocktail (or medley or salad) lovers to do the same.

So go ahead, Señor, and continue to exalt in your presumably lavish Central American cartel-kingpin-style mansion donning your ostentatious white hat and casual pants. It is a sad day, indeed, when the formerly esteemed Man from Del Monte, once renowned for saying "Yes!" can only muster a dismissive "Up Yours."

Regrettably,
R. Alexander Sykes

The Endless Cup Spilleth Over

"The customer is usually a moron and an asshole." - Larry David

I was waiting in line at Starbucks the other day and I couldn’t help but overhear some hapless loser asking for an entirely free cup of coffee. The cordial barista immediately honoured the request without so much as a cock-eyed, incredulous glance, indicating to me that this sort of encounter was rather routine.

“This must be quite a special person,” I thought to myself, “for what possible reason could this clerk have to defy the very mission statement of any business, that being to turn a profit from the sale of one’s goods or services, by handing out free java to this chick?”

Well it seems that, to put it in her own words, she had “just bought the coffee but dropped it outside.” Could it be that the fact that the purchase was very recent provided her with the latitude to carelessly mishandle her beverage and drop it on the ground, resulting in the evacuation of the entire venti or grande or whatever-the-fuck oversized goblet of coffee it was and somehow feel entitled to a free refill?

Perhaps it was the fact that her spillage had taken place within shouting distance of the front door where she had bought the coffee that rendered her request something other than preposterous. Could it be true that all notions of accountability and taking responsibility for one’s own actions are forfeit when it comes to clumsily mishandling foodstuff?

I attempted to answer these questions a few days later by entering the Starbucks, buying a medium coffee and returning five minutes later, sans beverage, with my tail between my legs. The following exchange took place;

RYAN: Hi, I need to buy another coffee, I, uhhh, I just dropped mine outside (I had, in fact, given the coffee to my girlfriend who was not aware of my duplicitous motives).

CLERK 1: Oh, my God, that totally sucks. You don’t have to pay for that, you can just have another one.

RYAN: Really? But, I mean, I fully expect to pay for it. I accept responsibility for my actions, especially in regards to items that I own. We completed our transaction and I assumed ownership of that coffee so I’ll just buy a new one.

CLERK 1: (Blank stare, accompanied by hints of drool)

CLERK 2 (Overhearing our conversation): That is totally the worst. That happened to me, like, three days ago. Isn’t that such a horrible feeling? You can just have a new one.

RYAN: Wow, that’s very generous of you. I’m just curious, though, how far away from the door would I have to have been in order for you not to give me a free coffee?

CLERK 1: So…do you not want me to give you a free coffee?

RYAN: Oh, no, I want it, I guess I’m just curious about the policy regarding these things.

CLERK 2: …so, was that a latte, cappuccino, what?

RYAN: Just a coffee, thanks. Thanks very much.

Astounding!! Why is it that butterfingered retards in our society are rewarded with replacements for food items that they initially treated with such apathetic disregard? This is an incredible phenomenon that I suspect exists entirely within North American food services culture, for I have witnessed the same sort interaction at McDonalds, Arby’s and even lower middle-end ‘restaurants’ such as White Spot and Denny’s.

When I raised the experience with some friends of mine who work in an upscale, Yaletown restaurant they provided me with the expected argument; that the price of the individual coffee, crab cake or Louisiana chicken club was insignificant next to the projected future value of the sloppy-but-satisfied customer. Maybe so but I’m not convinced that, as a restaurant owner, my target clientele would be bungling lummoxes who felt they were owed a living. Optimally, such people would either learn from their mistakes or starve to death in a ditch. Rewarding them won’t allow either of these scenarios to play out as nature intended.

This same group of friends pretty much unanimously agreed that, although they’d feel like idiots if they themselves were unwittingly defeated by those sneaky forces of gravity, they would each likely request a freebie. Their arguments tended to fall along the lines of: “Well, I don’t think I’d feel I was owed but, hey, if the offer was there, I’d be pretty stupid not to take them up on it.” True, but I happen to feel they’d be pretty stupid to give it to you.

At any rate, I couldn’t help but begin to reflect upon the extent to which one could one abuse this munificent policy. Are these immediate replacements limited to food & drink? Perhaps I could wander out of a Pier 1 with an $80 box of really ugly dinnerwear, drop-kick it through the parking lot and return, droopy-eyed to the cashier for a shelaccy-new substitute. There probably wouldn’t be anything stopping me from ‘accidentally’ fumbling my newly-purchased 42-inch Sony plasma screen down the escalator at Future Shop and humbly sidling up to customer service for a comp.

As much as I want to delve further into this consumer curiosity, the fear that one day I’ll actually be stuck with the tab for replacement cost concomitant with my current lack of employment is going to prevent me from doing so. However, I implore each and every one of you to put the idiot's insurance policy to the test. Don't stop at coffee, though...why not mosey on over to your local Cadillac dealership, buy yourself a new XLR and plow it through the dealership lobby? In all likelihood, instead of receiving the social derision and financial punishment you'd deserve, you'll be handed a new set of keys and a sympathetic smile.