Man from Del Monte: You're the Pits - Updated!

On Monday I received the following reply from "Linda" at Del Monte consumer affairs:

July 28, 2008
Dear R. Alexander,

Thank you for your e-mail.

While we wish we could be of help, Del Monte Foods does not distribute products in Canada. Del Monte Brand products sold in Canada are produced and distributed by a different company.

For Del Monte canned fruits and vegetables sold in Canada, the contact information is:

CanGro Foods
1-866-829-1132
www.cangrofoods.ca

I appreciate the opportunity to respond and hope this information is helpful.

Linda, Del Monte Foods Consumer Affairs
consumeraffairs@delmonte.com

Del Monte. Nourishing families. Enriching lives. Every Day. (Groan)

Needless to say I have forwarded my concerns to Cangro and patiently await their reply. You can read my original letter in full below:


The following is a verbatim reproduction of a letter I sent to the Del Monte Company regarding their "Very Cherry" fruit cocktail. Rest assured that any response from the Man from Del Monte or any of his representatives will be posted here as well.

Wednesday, July 23, 2008

Dear Señor or Señorita Del Monte,


I am writing to you in an effort to convey heartfelt regret and dissatisfaction with my recent purchase of your "Very Cherry" mixed fruit product. For myself, as I'm sure is the case with many of your customers, the highlight of any fruit cocktail is unquestionably the fluorescent red, hemispherical cherry morsels. These provide not only some visual diversity but a sweet taste and squishy texture that, while not resembling an actual cherry in any way, are undeniably delectable.

Thus try to imagine my disappointment when, upon opening the can, I found a paltry eight halve-cherries within. Without performing any actual measurement, I approximated the cherry portion of the entire can to constitute less than 2% of the overall mass. Devastating, to say the least.

Feeling this was likely an aberration, I decided to perform a test and returned to the supermarket to purchase cans of both "Very Cherry" and your regular fruit cocktail (in light syrup) to use as a control. The results were shocking! The can of ordinary fruit cocktail contained a mere four partial cherry pieces while the entire can of "Very Cherry" contained only nine. That's correct, nine bits, ranging in size from a half to a contemptible quarter cherry.

While I recognize that this constitutes a 225% increase in cherries over your regular fruit cocktail, I feel that a product that is advertised as being "Loaded with Cherries" should contain more than a token smattering. Dictionary.com provides the following definition for the term 'loaded': "To provide or fill nearly to overflowing." As a fairly obvious understatement, I would submit that this product falls precipitously short of meet that definition.

Accordingly, might I suggest "Nary Cherry" as a more suitably descriptive moniker for this item? In my opinion, this constitutes nothing more than a blatantly deliberate attempt to mislead the trusting but gullible public into forking over their hard-earned dollars for an inferior product. Curse you, Del Monte, for not only your lack of conviction, but compassion for the cherry-starved everyman.

I've noticed that in your most recent annual report that your company shows net income for the 2007 fiscal year of $112.6 million USD. Would it be too much to ask you to plough even a fraction of that prodigious profit into cherry production and harvesting? Failing this, would it be too much to ask you to provide me with several cans filled exclusively with cherries so that I may add them at my own discretion to your substandard fruit cocktail in the future? Surely this request is within the means of a multi-billion dollar corporation such as yours.

As I find it highly doubtful that either one of my suggestions will be regarded with any seriousness, I hereby pledge my allegiance to the good people at Dole until such time that the cherry content of your "Very Cherry" fruit cocktail lives up to its name. I will encourage my friends and all fellow fruit cocktail (or medley or salad) lovers to do the same.

So go ahead, Señor, and continue to exalt in your presumably lavish Central American cartel-kingpin-style mansion donning your ostentatious white hat and casual pants. It is a sad day, indeed, when the formerly esteemed Man from Del Monte, once renowned for saying "Yes!" can only muster a dismissive "Up Yours."

Regrettably,
R. Alexander Sykes